


i will not kiss you

by bi_lovely



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Brief Language, Canonical Character Death, E/R - Freeform, Granjolras, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, enjoltaire - Freeform, exr - Freeform, fluff (kind of), short and sweet but also depressing as all hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 06:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8653579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bi_lovely/pseuds/bi_lovely
Summary: It all would have been so much easier if Enjolras had been disgusted, if he had just run away. It would have made it easier to die. Instead, Grantaire said, "I love you," and Enjolras said, "I love you, too," and what was he supposed to do with that?





	

**Author's Note:**

> "i will not kiss you,  
> 'cause the hardest part of this  
> is leaving you."
> 
> cancer by my chemical romance

Enjolras is almost out the door when Grantaire says, “I love you,” because it is almost certain that both of them will be dead soon. 

“What did you just say?” Enjolras turns slowly to look at Grantaire.

Grantaire sets his bottle down on the table beside him and stares back at Enjolras through big blue eyes. “I love you,” he says again, “and I know that that is wrong. I know that most people will say that I cannot love you because I am a man and so are you. But no matter what they say, I do love you.”

Enjolras blinks. 

“No matter what you  _ think _ ,” Grantaire frowns slightly, “I love you.”

Enjolras is silent for a long while, considering all that has been said, before replying softly, “I love you, too.”

“You misunderstand me,” Grantaire sighs, shaking his head. “I do not mean that I love you for you are my friend. I do not mean that I love you as if you were my brother. I mean that I adore you and I mean that I have developed something of an obsession with you. I mean that I have been yearning to have you and for you to be mine for years.”

Enjolras opens his mouth to speak but Grantaire holds up a hand to silence him. 

“You have taken everything I have, Enjolras,” Grantaire says as he blinks back tears. “Everything I am. You took it all and I suppose I gave it willingly. If it were not for you, I would not be standing here tonight, prepared to die tomorrow. I am a coward and I do not give up my life to this rebellion. I give my up my life to you, Enjolras, only you. Always you.”

Again, Enjolras opens his mouth to speak, and again, Grantaire stops him before he can get the words out. 

“I need you to know this,” Grantaire frowns, “because I cannot die letting you live your life thinking that you are a mere friend to me. You have become my whole world, Enjolras.” 

Several moments of silence pass. 

“I will say nothing more,” Grantaire says in a quiet voice and he makes to leave the room, but Enjolras catches him, wrapping a hand around his forearm. 

“I do not misunderstand you,” Enjolras whispers in Grantaire’s ear. “I understand perfectly. I  _ love  _ you.”

Grantaire looks into Enjolras’ eyes, swallowing hard, he mutters, “Oh.”

“What is the matter?” Enjolras frowns. 

“Nothing,” Grantaire shakes his head and pulls his arm free of Enjolras’ grip. “Nothing at all is the matter,” he lies and does his best to stop the tears in his eyes from falling. 

“You are lying,” Enjolras accuses. 

“Well,” Grantaire says through gritted teeth as he turns and the tears stream down his cheeks, “ _ yes.  _ I am lying.”

“Grantaire.”

“Fuck you,” Grantaire hisses. 

“Grantaire?”

“This is terrible,” Grantaire shakes his head. 

“What is so terrible?” Enjolras frowns. 

“You are not supposed to love me back!” Grantaire shouts. “You are supposed to run away! You are supposed to hate me now! You are supposed to make it easy for me!”   


“Make what easy for you?” Enjolras asks gently. 

“Dying!” Grantaire exclaims. “I will die for you! I am ready to die for you! But if you want me — if you love me — then that changes everything!”

“Grantaire —”

“If you love me then I have reason enough to live!” Grantaire bellows. He brings a heavy fist down on the table nearest to him. “I was ready to die, but now — oh, dear God! Now you make me afraid.”

Enjolras frowns. “Well,” he says, but says no more. 

“Well,  _ what? _ ” Grantaire snaps. 

“Well, I did not mean to make you afraid,” Enjolras frowns deeply. 

Grantaire says nothing. He turns from Enjolras, holding onto a chair so tightly that his knuckles turn white. He bows his head and his dark curls fall into his face. 

He hears footsteps moving toward him slowly, and several moments later a hand is laid down on his shoulder. “You can go. You can leave this place now before the fighting begins.”

Grantaire turns to look at Enjolras as if the blond man has gone mad. “No, I cannot.”

“Why not?” Enjolras tilts his head. “You do not believe in our cause.”

“What makes you think that?”

“You mock. You jest.”

Grantaire shakes his head slowly. “I believe in you, Enjolras. That is what I believe in. And I will not go out into the world to spend my life wondering if you are dead, if you are alive, if you are rotting in a jail cell somewhere.”

“Grantaire, do not worry about me,” Enjolras tells him. “If you do not wish to fight for this cause, I will not hold it against you. I do not wish for anyone to give their life for something they do not believe in.”

“I just told you,” Grantaire looks into Enjolras’ eyes. “I believe in you. Afraid or unafraid, I will die for you anyday.”

Enjolras considers all that Grantaire has said before he moves a little closer. “Stay with me tonight. Drink with me.”

Grantaire swallows hard, tilts his head, but does not say a word. Enjolras leans in, sliding his fingers through Grantaire’s dark hair, and moves to kiss him, but Grantaire pushes him away. 

“What is the matter?” Enjolras frowns.

“I will not kiss you,” Grantaire shakes his head. “I cannot.”

“Why?” Enjolras asks desperately. 

“Because,” Grantaire says, taking several steps away from Enjolras, looking like it was the hardest thing in the world to do (and if you were to ask him, he would tell you that it was), “you love me and that makes me afraid to die. What if you were to kiss me? What if you were told hold me? How could I climb the barricade tomorrow if you were to wrap me in your arms tonight?”

“Grantaire, please —” Enjolras reaches out to touch him but Grantaire steps away.

“No,” Grantaire says and he picks up his bottle, takes a large gulp of strong wine. “No, if I kiss you then I will never be able to leave this world as long as you are still here.”

“Grantaire, please do not go.”

But Grantaire is already gone, stumbling down a staircase that leads who knows where. Bottle in hand, chugging the dark red wine deeply, he does his best to drown his demons before he stops, remembering that it has been a long time since his demons learned how to swim. 

***

Grantaire bursts into the room to find the National Guard ready to strike Enjolras down. All of those men, all of those guns, pointed straight at the man whose eyes glowed like the sun. 

The men turn to aim their guns at him, but he is already pushing past them. Shoving the armed men aside, striding over to stand by the window with man he loves — the man who loves him. 

He pulls Enjolras into a kiss, as deep as he could. He can feel the searing stares of the men surrounding the two of them on the back of his head and he is sure he hears one of them actually let out a squeak in shock, but all he can focus on is the way Enjolras’ lips move in perfect time with his own. The only thing Grantaire can think about is the way Enjolras is tugging lightly at his hair and how his arms have found their way around Enjolras’ neck of their own accord. 

“Grantaire?” Enjolras says softly when their lips part. 

“I cannot leave this world as long as you are still here,” Grantaire replies with a small smile. “But if you are gone, then I cannot stay here.”

Enjolras sighs, “I love you.”

Grantaire slides his arms down Enjolras’ body and intertwines their fingers. “I love you.”

They turn, hands clasped together, to face the men that had them cornered — the men who still stare at them with mouths hanging open like dead fish. Grantaire wraps his free hand around Enjolras’ waist and Enjolras thrusts the red flag into the air at the same time the men of the National Guard come to their senses. 

They fire their weapons in a series of loud bangs, and then just as swiftly as they had cornered Enjolras, they were quickly retreating down the staircase and out the building. 

Enjolras is hanging out the window, his last defiant glare frozen forever in his eyes. 

“Enjolras?” Grantaire coughs, but he does not get an answer. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to repress the thought, but it pushes its way to the front of his mind,  _ Enjolras is dead, Enjolras is dead.  _

Grantaire cannot contain the tragic sob that escapes him, because here he is in a world where he said he could not be — a world where Enjolras no longer resides. He sobs and squeezes Enjolras’ hands — is it just Grantaire’s imagination or is Enjolras already turning cold? — a little tighter. 

“It is okay,” Grantaire says, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He chokes back a sob and laughs inexplicably, “it is okay.” He presses his lips to Enjolras’ hand as he sucks in a ragged breath. 

There are black spots appearing all around him and his vision is growing blurry. His head his light and his lungs are straining for air and there is a sort of metallic taste on his tongue. 

“It is truly okay, my love,” Grantaire whispers against Enjolras’ skin. “I am not afraid. I will be with you soon.”

He is falling, the world around him is disappearing. The only thing he can find is Enjolras’ hand, it is the only thing left that is real to him as he descends into a dark abyss of nothingness. 

**Grantaire utters his last words, “I will see you soon,” with a final breath against Enjolras’ hand, and then he is gone, drifting off toward another world where he hopes to get what he has been yearning for for years. **

**Author's Note:**

> sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I watched les mis for the first time a couple days ago and i'm a tad obsessed now :))) 
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated <3 hope you enjoyed, and I hope my first contribution to the les mis fandom wasn't a disaster!
> 
> all the love xx


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